Pawanraj Sadhwani

"So..."

"So."

"You started this on 16th December. It is now 21st December..."

"Yes, and?"

"Nothing. Just pointing it out."

"Yes, thanks. I am aware that I've been slacking off. I've been slacking off for the entire year."

"Uh-huh"

"Well, I am here now, aren't I?"

"Ok."

"What do you want from me? I don't know what to do, okay? I mean, I know there are things to be done. But what is the point of it all? Why do them?"

"What things?"

"You know, getting married, finding a job, starting a side-hustle, figuring out my financial situation. I even made a plan for it all. With color-coded entries and everything."

"Yeah. I know. I was there, remember? But..."

"Yeah. But."

"So?"

"So, I don't find it in me to actually follow through with any of it. I don't know if it is depression, existential nihilism, laziness, lack of will or something else."

"Rich, coming from you."

"Huh?"

"Weren't you, just yesterday, telling B how lack of will is just an escapist re-labelling of "I don't want to do it"?

"Ok, so not lack of will, then. True enough. I just don't feel like it matters."

"Well, it might not, or it might. How can you make a decision at the beginning, without following through. It seems like this 'we are a tiny speck on a tiny speck in the universe' argument is just an easy one to reduce everything to nothing, and therefore pointlessness."

"Hmm"

"I mean, what about here and now? Every action matters. Even inaction matters. EVERYTHING you do, or do not do, matters. It matters what you do. It matters when you do it. It matters how you do it. It is all a chance to make a difference on this tiny speck in the universe right here, right now."

"That is too much pressure."

"So, you've decied to be paralyzed - either by pressure, or by the complete lack of it?"

"Well..."

"You're just finding ways to justify your laziness, it feels like."

"Maybe. Or maybe, there's no point to making a difference because ultimately we all die."

"Well, this is like saying there's no point to eating because ultimately we all die."

"Except I like eating."

"But you don't like working. Also known as laziness."

"Ugh!"

"You conveniently ignored your usual comeback for other people, of enjoy the process, don't sweat the end-result when it comes to yourself."

"..."

"How about doing things, to see if it makes a difference or not? To you maybe? To someone else? I know you'll feel better once you have your finances squared away. I know mom's going to feel better if you got married. You do need the money in any case. And maybe, just maybe you can make a difference in a few people's lives by not sitting on your ass all day."

"By writing this shit down?"

"Then don't. This is just a way to skip out on the work you really must do. It is good that at least you're writing to figure out what's going on in your head. Our head, really.

"Huh?"

"You do know you are talking to yourself, right?"

"..."

"..."